Such days are boring.

Sometimes it rains all day and we're stuck inside. Such days are boring.

A Primative World

Last year, while fishing the Mackinaw River in Illinois, I found a beer can. It was a relic, perhaps buried in muck for decades. It was an interesting find because I'm too young to remember pull tab cans. I even took it home and kept in the garage for a while. The world sure has changed....

"Please Don't Litter"

A vented wide mouth didn't satisfy you, and neither do cans shaped like bottles. I won't even ask about your disappointment with labels that change color.  Never fear, beer scientists are constantly researching new gimmicks technology to improve your beer experience. Enter the new "Punch Top" can....because the only way to improve beer is to make it harder to open.

Yet somehow, people in China still get by with last year's model...

Some days it's a wonder how I survive here. I can barely drink this beer.

White Wine, a Confusing Case in Point

In our home countries, we are constantly absorbing information. Our brains piece all of it together into life perspectives. In this foreign land, all those bits of data are mostly unintelligible. Our TV makes sound, people say things and billboards have pictures but the foreign language doesn't compute. The result is a constant state of slight confusion. If you think you fully understand...just wait a minute or two.

白酒 (Báijiǔ) translates to "white wine." This commonly accepted translation is used very often. Sounds simple right? Wait a minute or two...

Looks delicious. Right?

A dinner host may ask your feelings about white wine. You might say it's very good...in moderation of course. Then he'll buy a full bottle and pour your glass full...at which point you've successfully cleared up some translational confusion. If he says "gan bei," you better sit your ass down - it's going to be a long night.

"I've made a huge mistake."

"White wine" is a dirty lie and the sooner you know, the better. A proper translation would be: "A hint of delicious. Followed by a deeply radiant burn. Followed by assistance getting your key in the front door."

Let's Play a Game, It's Called "Did He Eat It?"

This pigeon "messed" it's last statue

We're only three months deep in this China adventure thingy. Already I've compiled the following list of bizarre (to me) items that have been presented as food. For brevity's sake, I'm only including dishes that have actually been served - I'm excluding dishes simply seen on the menu and a couple restaurants I won't go near.

Don't worry about eating it all, they have more in the back.

See if you can guess which ones landed in Clif's belly, and on which ones he passed.

1. Tofu
2. Pig ear
3. Asian carp
4. Fish on a stick (pictured above)
5. Pig colon
6. Silk worms (pictured below)
7. Donkey meat dumplings
8. Chicken feet, in BBQ sauce
9. Pigeon (pictured at top)
10. Pig hoof
11. Bamboo
12. Frog (legs et. al.)
13. Fried silver fish
14. Bone marrow

A slightly stringy texture

Have your answers locked in? Lets see how you did

1. Tofu - Ok this was a slow pitch to get things started. I had tofu in the States, but I've had much, much, much more here - nearly every day at work.
   
2. Pig ear - Ate it on one of my first days in the office, while still feeling somewhat adventurous. Tasted like bacon, but with a texture reminiscent of rubber bands. I won't do it again.
3. Asian carp - Partook in this many times and it actually tastes very good. It's a real pain in the butt to eat around all the bones so I only do this in emergencies.
4. Fish on a stick (pictured above) - Not only was it laying around outdoors but it was fish on a fother-mucking stick. NO WAY.
   
5. Pig colon - It touched my tongue and I knew instantly something was going horribly wrong. I was told after dinner what it was and will keep a vigilant lookout for it in the future.
6. Silk worms (pictured below) - Big pass with no regrets.  Just look at it!
7. Donkey meat dumplings - I was kind of tricked into eating this one. My coworkers know I like dumplings so they ordered two plates: one with beef and one with donkey meat. I didn't mind it, tasted like corned beef.
8. Chicken feet, in BBQ sauce - This one I thought for sure I'd be able to do, but when it was sitting on my plate I "chickened" out.
9. Pigeon (pictured at top) - I was told about pigeon being good, so I sought this one out and will do it again. I figured it would taste like dove, but the taste reminded me of turkey.
10. Pig hoof - Pass....that stuff is for dogs
11. Bamboo - Another slow pitch, baby bamboo shoots are double super tasty-tasty
    
12. Frog (legs et. al.) - Imagine a bull frog passed through a box fan. Throw in some rice and you'll have a picture of what I did not eat.
    
13. Fried silver fish - I ate these accidentally because I didn't look close enough. They look a lot like noodles, but eventually you'll notice those "noodles" have eyes. Didn't taste bad, but I was creeped out by their sneakiness and couldn't eat more.
14. Bone marrow - I was given a bone, a plastic straw and a demonstration. I opted out of this, but couldn't help but laugh when the straw made the same sound it would in an empty cup. If given a second chance, I may rethink.

A Glossary of Our Life in China

Below are just a few words or phrases that have become part of my vocabulary while here.  Some of them are real words or phrases, while others are just ones I hear frequently from other expats or Clif and I have found ourselves using. 

Ayi: Hired helped who may do the following tasks: clean, babysit, run errands, and cook.  Some people have Ayis 5-6 days a week all day.  These particular Ayis do it all.
Blue Sky Days: Literally what is says. I have never seen a blue sky day like back in the US, but there are days when the blue sky and a few fluffy clouds can be spotted.   
China Junk: The 4-5 spam texts I get every day. 
China Life: Reference to how day to day tasks are different or made more complicated here.  As an example I have previously posted, when I try to communicate with people who do not speak English.  They speak to me in Chinese, I speak to them in English, neither of us have a clue as to what the other wants and it ends with a stare off.
Have a "China day" or "China moment": A China day is a bad day. When nothing goes right and everything is a frustrating battle to accomplish seemingly simple tasks due to differences in culture.
Kan-Kan: The phrase you use to let venders know you are just looking, so they will stop trying to sell you things. Note: I have no idea if I spelled this correctly.
Pulled a Wang: Not what it sounds like, this is a daring driving move our driver (Mr. Wang) has perfected. He's a professional and pretty good at his job.
Saving Face: The common act of telling little white lies in order to avoid the fact that you don't actually know the answer and/or understand.  
Smells like China: This originally referred to any place with a distinct smell of sewage. It has evolved to be a good description of any place that smells bad.
Split Pants: Many Chinese toddlers and babies do not wear diapers.  Instead, their pants are split from front to back with just a bare bottom visible.  This allows them to go the bathroom anytime and anywhere they choose.  ANYWHERE. I am suspicious of every puddle I see. 
Tai Tai: It has multiple meanings. Most simply: a married women.  To others it means a wealthy married women who has time to sleep late, lunch with the ladies, and spend her husband's money.
They're Honey Badgers: in reference to the manner in which many people, at times, behave. This may make sense to only those who have seen the honey badger video.
Westerners' Price: The amount of money you are asked to pay for items or services merely because you are a Westerner. This is where negotiation skills come in handy, I am slowly developing mine.  I am becoming better at just walking away because one of two things will happen...1--You can probably find the item somewhere else and try again or 2--They will come after you suddenly willing to accept your offer.

Finding the Sweet Spot

You may remember our post about household cheat sheets. I didn't think we would need one for the stove, but I was wrong. So...for the benefit of all those who follow, here is a cheat sheet for the stove. I've taken the liberty of translating some semi-descriptive pictures into English.

It's just like a woman...I encourage a delicate touch.

Precious Cargo

We're just a few days from jumping on that plane! YIKES!

Must be Italian

Desperation Meets a Chance; The House Warming

To the future owners of our former home,
Our house is now packed and I left a surprise. At first it may seem a nice gesture. Then you'll notice she's quite empty - it must be an act of forget. Upon deep investigation, you will suspect malice. Please understand 'twas only desperation met with a chance to rid burden.

One burden, heavy with guilt.

Like I, you'll try sharing with friends, but stupid acts happen just once. I'm here to tell you there's hope, she'll reappear on your next moving day. Please ignore the strong urge to dump - the next buyer will fall for it too.

While I can't say I want her, I sure can't forget whence she's come.

Sincerely Yours,

Clif